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music

 Listened to Father, Son, Holy Ghost because I saw someone praise it. They seemed to love it a lot, but I didn't really feel anything about it. Listened to おとぼけビ〜バ〜 because W*A recommended them to me. Listened to Longing for the Shadow because I saw the term ryūkōka somewhere and searched it on YouTube and found that collection, and then listened to Reminiscences of Raktako, Let Me Perish Without Return & Your Kisses Are Like Roses because they were from the same label. Listened to グルグル映画館 and 新宿ゲバルト because I saw them on someone's website. Listened to やどかり because it was recommended to me.

reading

watching

 I watched Jason and the Argonauts with some classmates. I didn't really care for it. The only thing I remember is a scene where some guy apologizes for sinning and I was immediately suspicious of the idea that sinning was a concept in ancient Greek religion so I looked it up, and sure enough it doesn't seem that it was. Just a mediocre, possibly even bad, movie.

photos

music

 Listened to a lot of Arcade Fire this month. Last month, didn't write it down because I wasn't really doing anything with my website then, I listened to The Suburbs again with my father in the car and realized how good it is. The first time I listened, I just listened to it in the background. So many good songs! When looking at comments and whatnot online, I saw that everyone liked that album and it was the defining Arcade Fire album, but I always associated them with Reflektor because Joan of Arc and Reflektor were the only two songs I knew from them for a really long time. After having seriously listened to The Suburbs, I understand. I also relistened to Reflektor last month, but I didn't have as strong a reaction. This month, relistened to Everything Now. Also better than I remember it being. Listened to the Alex G album because I like Sarah and saw Alex G being mentioned on a few people's websites.
 In general, didn't really listen to music that much this month. I stopped bringing my headphones with me when I go outside, I'm bored of the music I have saved and don't know what new music to listen to, and in general have had little interest in listening to music.

reading

playing

 Played Final Fantasy VII after my floormate K told me I should. Aerith!!! I wonder what Aerith felt when she was on that altar… she talked about the future more than any of us… Aerith used to pat me on the nose sometimes… I wanted to apologize to her for what I did when we first met… You left without saying a word, it was all so sudden…. I think the themes in this game are really beautiful and well done. Floormate told me that this game's themes came into being because the director's (or some other important person involved in development) mother died suddenly in a house fire, and he wanted to write about grief and how death comes without reason. This game really portrays that. I knew very little about the game before I started: I knew that Cloud, Aerith, Zack, Tifa, and Sephiroth existed; I also knew that Reno and Rude existed but I had no idea they were even from this game. I didn't know the setting, the plot, or any deaths, even though according to my floormate Aerith's death is very famous. I was convinced Aerith was going to come back until my floormate told me that she definitely wasn't; I was shocked when Zack died so suddenly in the optional cutscene down in the basement of the Nibelheim mansion. Everyone just dies, and that's that: it's too soon, it's too sudden, it's not fair. When one of our cats died last year, it was very sudden and out of nowhere. His heart expanded and then he died. The last time I had seen him was in January; it was May, and we were meant to be returning from Oregon in less than a week. He was found laying in the kitchen on one of the kitchen mats. My father told me that my younger brother picked up his dead body and carried him upstairs to lay him on my bed. Then, I couldn't stop crying imagining it; now it still makes me tearful. I couldn't stop thinking about how I would never feel his weight in my arms again, or hear his meowing at midnight. One night after we had returned, I thought I heard him meow. I often imagined him out of the corner of my eye. All that's left of him are the ashes he was named for, the stray furs that we can still find around the house, the toys he played with, and the bed he laid in. I remember being shocked that his ashes were white and not the same black of his fur. I still talk about him and his silly habits all the time, and it still feels wrong to say that we only have one cat. In the backyard of our house, we have a grave for one of our other cats. He died many years ago on Valentine's Day after being attacked by neighborhood dogs. I remember little other than an impression of red. That, too, was sudden and out of nowhere. In a place unknown is the body, or perhaps the scattered ashes, of another cat we had: he was too old and unhealthy to come with us overseas, and he had to be put down. I stayed in the room and watched as he died. I remember that usually, when he had to be taken to the vet, like many other cats he would wail his distress, but that very last time, he was utterly silent. He died when I was in middle school, but because of my poor memory, I can't even remember how he looked, and my only memories of him are secondhand: my parents telling me stories of how, when I was a child, no matter how much I pulled his tail, he always came back and let me do it again. I can't really make a point with any of that. Death just is. When the Weapons appear in the endgame, a lot of shopkeepers and townspeople talk about how a lot of people have died because of it. One that stuck out to me specifically was a barkeeper in Junon who said they were closing down the bar because all of their regulars died fighting Weapon. There is so much death around us. I like that this game doesn't flinch away from it, but the message isn't to despair of death: equally important are the ways in which people keep on living anyway. I think this game really touched my heart. I love you Aerith!

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music

reading

photos

music

 Listened to Kojima Mayumi because H*K played her once or twice and I liked how her music sounded, and listened to モーモールルギャバン because I saw them mentioned on someone's website. Became instantly obsessed with ユキちゃん.
 Saw Aoba Ichiko live. She was wonderful. She played my favorite song from her, 機械時掛乃宇宙, which surprised me given its length and the fact that it's a cover… I was thinking about it really hard the whole time, so I think she heard me.

reading

watching

 Watched Love Letter and Drunken Angel with H*K on the evening of the 6th. Between them, I think I liked Drunken Angel more, but Love Letter was good too. We were both interested in Drunken Angel, and we watched Love Letter because the subtitles of our first option were acting up & I had Love Letter on my list of movies to watch. For Drunken Angel, we were amazed at the amount of homoeroticism between the doctor and the yakuza Matsunaga. Personally, I think it was a love story between them: at the end there are even a bunch of parallels between the doctor and the woman who's in love with Matsunaga. I didn't really have any particular thoughts on Love Letter other than that I liked the lighting, the scenery, and Itsuki's clothes.
 Watched Godzilla also with H*K on the 24th. I didn't know anything about Godzilla at all before I watched it, so I was continually surprised at what Godzilla could do, like breathe fire. I was also surprised that the actor of the doctor from Drunken Angel was a major character here, too. I kept squinting at him, thinking he looked familiar, until finally I looked it up and found that they were the same actor. In general, I didn't really have any strong feelings about it. It was fun to watch with someone was my main takeaway.
 Pacific Rim the 28th with E*H and W*A. I enjoyed it a lot, despite my usual lack of interest in both action movies and science fiction. Something gets me about big mechas that are connected to and controlled by humans, and I'm especially enchanted in this movie with the Drift. In fact I'm obsessed with it. This movie had everything for me… mind-links, aforementioned mechas, familial relationships at the forefront (one of those being adopted), relationship that was obviously meant to have romantic undertones but did not end in a kiss which allowed me to interpret it as platonic…. You can always find me in the drift… (crawling darkly)

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…
  • 1st MY先生 said I'm good at 名詞の換言 (< not what he said but that was the first phrase that came to mind. thank you nakahara chuuya), groceries with S*K
  • 2nd played music with E*H
  • 3rd hanging out at H*K and M*C's dorm, shared ice cream
  • 4th fine weather, office: SK先生 gave me sakura chocolates, I recited the single yosano akiko poem I have memorized and they were politely amazed, they complimented my outfit
  • 5th dream that I went to seoul with S*K, picnic at the lake: fire that someone had started still slightly kindling, lots of frogs croaking, tried drinking alcohol (wine, pinot gris) for the very first time (it wasn't good at all)
  • 6th H*K's birthday party, watching movies together after
  • 7th R—o chanced by & we talked during lunch, after work happened across S*K and we chatted for a bit (convinced her to download pikmin bloom, a win even though I don't think she'll actually play it)
  • 8th excited when E*H was notified he got The Job, after class with H*K
  • 9th came across E*H and talked for a bit, summer program acceptance
  • 13th evening at E*H & W*A's
  • 15th sun-warmed stone under my arms, talked with H*K for 30 mins about various world facts: the sky is blue because the ocean is blue and it reflects or something, leaves are green because they absorb all other light and reflect green light, light and sound are waves and there are also waves in the ocean, etc
  • 16th went to english office to drop off a letter & S—t was there & he was nice to me
  • 17th laying in the sun for an hour, MY先生 was nice to me when I went to his office, drama + dinner with S*K
  • 18th sitting in the sun before class, 先生たち said it was 寂しい to think about me leaving
  • 19th reading in the sun, taking a walk during the day (instead of at night or sunset) for the 2nd time out of the entire time I've lived here: child looking up, one hand shading their eyes and the other pointing at the geese flying through the sky
  • 24th sitting in the sun for an hour, movie and youtube spiral with H*K
  • 26th walking to grocery store, the cat Mo was out and I saw two elderly people petting them
  • 27th W*A's birthday party, frankie curling up on me at their apartment; E*H said that when he comes to japan and sees me do my thumbs up he'll feel like he's coming home
  • 28th hiking with E—g & E*H & W*A, revolving sushi & movie with E*H & W*A (frankie curled up on me for a little while again); E*H said he and I would be drift compatible
  • 29th after class with H*K, after E*H's performance we did a salute at each other and when my arm was extended I changed my hand into half a heart & E*H laughed and made the other half with his extended hand
  • all of the spring trees and flowers blossoming

music

 I listened to Sai Yoshiko a lot this month, so I tried finding some artists similar to her, but the most I could find (as in: I looked on music-map because I don't know how to find music and these are who appeared) was Kitajima Osamu, Hizuru, and Yamasaki Hako, who are also folk but not quite the same as Sai. Still good! I already knew Yamasaki Hako, but I decided to listen to her more. Listened to Asakawa Maki and Shinkura Yoshiko because they showed up on my YouTube recommended while I was listening to other albums, and listened to Takanaka Masayoshi because I saw him mentioned on someone else's website.

reading

watching

 While we were in V—, S*K and I weren't sure what to do to fill the downtime when we returned to our AirBNB, so we decided to watch a drama. I remembered that my father had mentioned Extraordinary Attorney Woo to me, so we decided to watch it. We both immediately became obsessed. It's very engaging and well-done. I really appreciate how many members of the cast are women, I appreciate how the plots of each episode address societal issues in a thoughtful way, though I can't say I care all too much for the romance I do appreciate that it's there, consensual and respectful, and that it's Woo being pursued instead of the other way around, and I appreciate Woo herself. It's made me think a lot about myself and being autistic: I realised a lot of things about myself that I wasn't really conscious of before.

photos

…
  • 1st with E*H & W*A
    • W*A singing in the other room while cleaning
  • 3rd 百人一首 with SY先生 & SK先生 (I even got a decent amount of cards…)
  • 4th talking about the world with H*K, club meeting
  • 7th good tutor meeting, talking with H*K and E*H, studying with J*K
  • 9th, early 10th with W*A, E*H, H*K
    • waltzing, cards
  • 10th SY先生 said she liked my tanka & asked me to send them to her
  • 11th after class with E*H
  • 12th lots of birdsong when I walked out of my dorm building
  • 13th cookies & blood moon with H*K and M*C, discussing the wikipedia article for wine
  • 16th café with S*K, we made our reservations for our trip. afterwards I talked about the things I'm looking forward to in the upcoming future with my father, and I thought at first that I got so excited it made me nauseous and was amazed, but it turned out to be my body revolting against drinking jasmine milk tea on an empty stomach
  • 17th office: SY先生's tanka, SK先生 complimented my tanka, discussion about 繋がり
  • 18th after class with H*K, club meeting
  • 19th, 31st evening at W*A & E*H's
  • 20th hanging out with S*K (& eventually E*H)
  • 22nd groceries with S*K, store field trip with H*K and E*H (+ brief visit to W*A at work)
    • sitting in the car talking about dapping, H*K reading aloud wikihow pages, looking at our names & then our birthdays on wikipedia
  • 24th person picking up their big dog and running to the tram stop, talking about words with S*K, her haiku, really good katsu
  • 25th taking silly pictures at the beach, long walk through the park forest to get to and from the beach
  • 26th rain forest exhibit at aquarium, walking around the botanical garden in the rain: garden map turned completely useless, we cut across the grass and got mud all over our shoes
  • 28th amazingly cute dog at the bookstore that we pet for multiple minutes, getting matching keychains
  • SK先生 & SY先生 being really into the livestream of 2 bald eagles
    • 21st SY先生 showing me an instagram compilation video of them that her son sent her

music

 I finally bought the MP3 player because there was only one left. Started putting my music onto it. I feel like I'm a character in a movie whenever I walk around with it: for example, walking to W*A & E*H's apartment while listening to MALICE MIZER.
 Discovered 椎名林檎 at the end of the month and listened to her a lot.

reading

photos

…
  • morning of the 3rd walked out of my building to find S*K walking by & we walked together for a few minutes under light snow; person walking around a tree following the squirrel climbing on it
  • 4th getting groceries with S*K; at H*K's dorm with E*H, W*A, and M*C
  • snow that stuck for a couple hours on the 5th; light snow that quickly melted other days; snow on the 13th and 14th
  • chats after japanese class
  • 6th 連句 in japanese class & lunch with everyone after, talking with H*K before his next class
  • talking with J*C
  • lunar new year event with S*K (+E*H eventually)
  • 8th DMMD with A*C, 2 hour walk, call with my brother, E*H & W*A's apartment
  • keeping up with vocabulary study
  • 13th snow day with E*H, W*A, H*K, M*C; 14th snowman with E*H, W*A, M*C
  • valentines cake pop & cookie from S*K; chocolates from H*K; squish from W*A
  • 16th bakery + ice cream + groceries with S*K
  • 17th happening across H*K walking back from the office
  • 18th staring at a person in a strange costume speculating on what they were supposed to be with E*H (turned out to be the lochness monster), nice people at the business office, finishing homework before midnight for once, club meeting
  • 20th late evening with E*H + eventually W*A
  • received mp3 player; feeling cheerful whenever I use it
  • the sound of heavy rain on the roof
  • 22nd, 23rd with E*H, W*A, H*K, M*C, A*C
  • MY先生 told me I am a 'people person' and people gravitate towards me + said that I am like the phrase 水を得た魚
  • 26th happened across H*K walking back from the office, walked around with him for a bit: did pikmin bloom quiz and identified crocus flowers
  • 27th chat with S*K
    • talking about how a friend told her she was like a labrador, I pulled up a picture of a black lab puppy and held it up next to her face and she did a little pose
  • 28th group of 4 birdwatchers outside the office looking up into the trees

music

 I listened to Twin Fantasy and MOTTAINAI on the request of friends, W*A and E*H respectively. (Actually, E*H didn't say MOTTAINAI specifically, he just said I should listen to YeYe, but it had the song ゆらゆら in it which I already knew, so I chose to listen to that album.) I listened to Voyage〜sans retour〜 with my brother. It was nice.
 I gave into downloading Soulseek and started tentatively using it for my quest of eventually switching to an MP3 player.

reading

watching

 I watched Ponyo with my brother on the 11th. I felt like watching a Ghibli movie and asked him what he wanted to watch, and after looking at the list of Ghibli movies he decided on Ponyo. I said sure, even though I'd already watched it. After we finished, he said he was confused and that there were lots of plot holes, but when I reminded him it was a kids movie he said that made more sense, but continued to talk about the plot holes. It was fun.
 I watched Tokyo Godfathers with W*A, E*H, and A*C on the 21st. Also very fun! They had all seen it except for me; I'd heard the name but knew nothing about it. The movie had its issues, but it was good.

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…
  • SY先生 started using the kanji she gave me for my name instead of the katakana; 27th in the office told SK先生 about it and said to use it from now on (SK先生 said it was 可愛い and ぴったり)
  • 27th hug from SK先生 after not seeing her since dec 2023
  • 21st: 11:30 to ~16:40 with S*K, 17:00 to ~1AM at W*A & E*H's with A*C
    • S*K gave me a note and candy that Y*H left behind for me
  • evening of 16th, 20th, 25th at W*A & E*H's
  • DMMD with A*C
  • chatting with J*C
  • kept up with vocabulary study
  • received letter from K
  • received 中原中也全詩集, 在りし日の声 cd
  • afternoon with H*K 28th
  • afternoon 27th, early evening dinner 28th with S*K
  • late afternoon 29th walking back from the pharmacy, the fluffy grey cat (named Mo according to the collar) came up to me while I was on the phone with father. I pet them for a while and when I started walking again they walked with me. kept pausing to pet them more. they stopped following shortly after we crossed the street
  • 29th dinner for new exchange students; talked with S*K + O*H + A*J and sometimes R_A the whole time
    • walking back into my building after, some people were on the balcony inhaling helium from balloons and talking in funny voices
  • 30th coming across S*K when walking to class; chatting with E*H (+ H*K) after class; Aさん's tearfulness when given her going away cards and flowers
  • at the club fair, bumped into S*K and we both turned to apologise to each other and then simultaneously realised who the other was, tapped our hands against each other in a wave
  • night of the 31st, 7-11 with E*H + W*A + H*K + M*C

music

reading

viewing

music

 This month technically isn't the first time I've listened to a MALICE MIZER album, according to my past self, but I had no memory of either of them so I'm counting it as the first time.
 I bought the 在りし日の声 album (what a relief!) and also picked up Muse's Absolution CD. I have all of the Muse CDs I wanted now, which is nice.
 Hoping to move away from using Spotify soon and start using a music player, but the task of getting four years worth of the music I've accumulated on my own is intimidating. Started ripping some CDs.

reading

 Unable to commit; lack of focus.

viewing

 I watched His with friends on the 1st. E*H was watching it for his senior capstone and invited us (me and H*K) over. We all agreed that it was pretty bad, but it was still pretty entertaining. Some of the court scenes made us all burst into laughter.
 I watched a lot of Jerma…

overview

 A month both long and short. I went between 3 states this month, and they were all rainy. Only at my family's house have I seen much sunlight.
 I was miserable this month. On the 15th, I went and found the original Japanese of the quote "Happiness will never come my way. I know that." and pinned it to my main notes folder on my phone; it's still at the very top.「明日もまた、同じ日が来るのだろう。幸福は一生、来ないのだ。それは、わかっている。けれども、きっと来る、あすは来る、と信じて寝るのがいいのでしょう。」Towards the end of the month, I even started to think about the part of the introduction in Snow Country where the translator calls Shimamura incapable of love because he is too distant, and: "He was conscious of an emptiness that made him see Komako’s life as beautiful but wasted, even though he himself was the object of her love; and yet the woman’s existence, her straining to live, came touching him like naked skin. He pitied her, and he pitied himself." Another month of knowing things and finding myself at a loss as to how to even begin changing them.
 Only small joys this month. Hanging out with my friends before I left was the highlight of my month. I got to see a little bit of snow in my father's hometown, and horses. (The horses I saw were attractions of a town I went to, and walked the same path over and over again throughout the entire day, attached to wagons that carry people around. They probably do that most days of their lives. I wondered what they might feel about it.) Spending time with my brother has been good. Seeing our cat again has been good. I bought cute earrings; I received the Chara/Kris long-sleeve; my father let me take some old clothes he no longer wears; I was given a necklace with a pearl on it and a silver bracelet. I also was given a cute Yoshi sticker and the Japanese grammar dictionary trilogy, which I was very happy about. I bought Fields of Mistria on the 25th and have been playing it avidly: as of writing this, I finished the first day of fall and have some 20 hours logged. (I gave Balor the star brooch for the festival—when I started the game, I loved Valen the instant I saw her, but I like her dynamic with Juniper too much, and they probably won't introduce Player-Valen-Juniper polyamory…. I've also been giving Celine and Reina a lot of gifts, but ultimately I thought Balor's mind-change about Eiland's game was really sweet, so I especially like him for now.) The only game I really have to compare it to is Stardew Valley, and it's safe to say I love FoM immeasurably more. I never got past winter of the first year in SDV, but I can honestly see myself getting way past that in FoM. I like the characters a lot. Also as of writing this (the 29th), I've done vocabulary study for 9 days in a row. I'm really happy I've kept up with it. I stopped putting on a timer when I do it, which has helped immensely. I'm hoping to eventually integrate readings from the grammar dictionaries into daily study, as well, but just doing the vocabulary is good too. Lastly, not so much a joy but simply a positive: I had my medication management appointment on the 28th, finally, and though I hated the appointment I did get put back on medication. I will be picking it up this upcoming week.
 Everything else about my month was not good. I hated the visit to my father's hometown: interacting with my relatives is and was nothing less than uncomfortable. I hate sharing a room with my father as much as ever. The drive to my family's home, over 10 hours, was immensely uncomfortable. I played my rock playlist and Jerma streams in the car. I wished terrible things upon my "mother" the first time I heard her again (was hidden under my father's robe and when she started going on, both my father and I knew to not reveal I was there), and every single other time I've seen her has also caused discomfort, at the very least, if not more. Lots of anger-inducing interactions with my father, as usual. Disaster with my laptop. And, in general: misery and disappointment and resentment and envy. ("All I felt was hate. Pure hatred. Hatred for not the enemy but the world itself.") Theme of this month: want.

music

 I listened to Nocturne on the 6th. Listened to it closer than any album I have in a while. Every song made me slightly nauseous, for some reason Midnight Song in particular.
 I relistened to Nine Inch Nails' Pretty Hate Machine in full for the first time since, well, I listened to it for the first time. I discovered that The Only Time is a banger.

reading

 I picked up a lot of books this month and then put them straight back down. I couldn't commit to anything until the last week, as seen by my list above.

overview

 This month was short for me. It felt like it rained every single day, but on this last day, it was beautifully clear. For the past week or two, it's been cold enough most days to see your own breath even in the afternoon. I've started wearing my scarf again, and because the heating in my dorm doesn't work, I wear gloves even to bed. The only time I take them off is when I feel like they're in the way of doing stuff with my hands or when I go to the bathroom.
 This month I was in an energy upswing (of my sort), but it didn't really translate into anything good. My mind was constantly racing, but I couldn't get anything I needed to (schoolwork) done. During the last week I cleaned my dorm for I think the first time since the end of September, and over the last few days of the month I read two books and an article about lesbian suicides in imperial Japan. I always felt like I had to be doing something, but actually committing to anything paralysed me; everything felt insurmountable. My sleep was even poorer than usual because of all this. But I spent good time with my friends this month. I also broke off a friendship that was simply not enjoyable and not bringing me any happiness. It was the first time I actually sent a message instead of just blocking them everywhere (though I did still block them after sending it). Tomorrow (December 1st) will have been a week since I ended it. I've also finally committed to transferring away from my university. What shape that decision will end up taking, I don't know yet, but I decided that if I have the chance to mitigate the regrets I know I will have if I stay here, I should take it if I can. I hope it leads me to something more fulfilling and more aligned with my goals than what I'm doing now.
 I bought a Midori grid notebook this month and have started using it to journal. It's resulted in me coming to new understandings about myself and why I do what I do. It doesn't make anything easier, but at least I know. I've continued thinking this month, like I always do, about loneliness, friendship, writing, and reading. Understanding things, knowing them, doesn't translate itself into action.
 This month was nothing but a huge blur for me, so I can't think of anything else to say. Right now I'm just looking forward to being done with all of my classes this semester for good.

music

 in general, I also listened a lot to the album「在りし日の声 Voices of Days Past」from world's end girlfriend and Vampillia (discovered at the end of September), as well as the 沙耶の唄 soundtrack. I went to a Lamp concert; they performed 2 of my favorite songs.
 I listened to an 8 hour playlist entitled simply "chinese shoegaze". I had a conversation with someone about learning Chinese (particularly Cantonese and Mandarin), and was reminded again of my desire to start learning Mandarin at some point, so I decided to find a playlist with Chinese music (of any 'branch' of Chinese). I enjoyed it.
 I listened to the MASS OF THE FERMENTING DREGS albums because two blogs I follow mentioned their music. I listened to them all while writing my letter reply on the 27th (it ended up being 9 pages), so I didn't pay as much attention as I may have otherwise, but I did enjoy them. While writing that letter I also listened to the album 삐에로는 우릴 보고 웃지; I actually listened to it before I started the マスドレ albums.

reading

 I picked up Laughing Wolf (Tsushima Yuuko, translated by Dennis Washburn) on the 30th and read some 20 pages, but coming straight from In the Shade of Spring Leaves, feeling like there was an utter lack of love and passion for it (no footnotes or endnotes at all, in comparison to the hundreds of notes in In the Shade of Spring Leaves) put me off, and I decided I'll just read this book in Japanese one day instead. To be honest, it was actually that combined with the fact that I came across a sentence where there was no period at the end that did it for me.

overview

 This month was a little busy for me.
 This month it truly turned to autumn. At the beginning of the month, it was still warm enough that I could wear tank-tops outside, and none of the trees were turning, it rained rarely. Towards the latter part of the month, though, suddenly the temperatures dropped—the average high nowadays is between 10-14C—and the trees turned. Beneath the larger trees on campus, there's piles of fallen leaves, and it was cloudy nearly every day for the last week and a half, maybe, of the month. Even with the days where the sky cleared up in the afternoon, there still wasn't a day it didn't rain at least a little. There were a few separate times where I was walking to class and then looked around myself, at the trees and the sky, and realised that it's really autumn now.
 I did quite a lot this month. There was the Lamp concert, my birthday, a doctor's appointment, the advising meeting which turned me into a double major of Japanese and History, and the lecture I went to in the city. I got my passport in the mail and I voted. I decided to stay logged off of my social media on my phone, which is going well, and am currently trying out only using it on my laptop on the weekends. I spent a lot of time with friends: the pumpkin carving at E*H and W*A's apartment, going to their hometown for the weekend, the revolving sushi for M*C's birthday, the various days I spent time with S*K, going out with classmates on the last day of the month. Talked to J*C a few times over text as well, each time for at least an hour. The letter from R.
 There were various things on my mind this month. Study abroad and my Japanese level; my friendship with that person and my feelings about it all; loneliness and my relationships with other people; wanting to write, wanting to write, wanting to write.